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Government Program

Dear Sir:

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.

What I want to know is, in y our opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed not to raise? I want to make sure I approach this endeavor in keeping with government policy. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Durocs or Yorkshires. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for 20 years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422.00 in 1968, until this year when he got his check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean $80,000.00 that first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise, will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you pay farmers not to raise corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising corn and wheat not to feed the 4,000 hogs I’m not going to raise? Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed, and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured that you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,

Clem Johnson

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

Don't Mess with Mom

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He'd decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toes.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with the crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D. "

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door
But the chance to teach a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face;
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.,
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Air.

And I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save that raging appetite,
and wait 'til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room;
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof above your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the "Parent's Bill of Rights,"
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D.?"

Satan

A few minutes before the services started, the people were seated in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a single word?", asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Wife Gets Even

Alligators in the New York sewer system. Cockroaches living in a woman’s teased beehive hairdol A message written in lipstick – “Welcome to the AIDS nation” – on a young man’s bathroom mirror after a one-night stand. These are all examples of urban legends. Here’s a beauty that’s going around:

According to someone who knows someone who knows someone, a recently divorced woman had to give up her home and all its furnishings as part of her divorce settlement. She packed her personal belongings into boxes, garment bags and suitcases. Then she sat down for a farewell meal in what had once been her happy home. She put candles on the dining room table, soft music on the CD player and laid out a feast of shrimp, caviar and champagne.

When she had finished,, she walked around her home one last time. She went into every room and focused on the happy memories.

Then she deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. Then she cleaned up the kitchen, put her things into a U-Haul and left.

The next day, her ex-husband and his new girlfriend moved into the home. All was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything they could think of to remove the smell, cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

They moved out for a few days while exterminators set off gas canisters. They replaced the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their asking price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called her ex-husband and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the smelly house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to buy the house, even though it obviously had some kind of a problem.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was a tenth of what the house had been worth - but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paper work.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home – including the curtain rods.

Two Farmer Jokes

Farmer Smith had a pet cat he was particularly fond of and he had noticed that, lately, the cat seemed a little under the weather. Fortunately, on his next visit to town, he met up with the Vet on the street.

Farmer Smith described the symptoms, and the vet assured him that a pint of castor oil would fix the problem. He thanked the vet, got the castor oil, and headed back to the farm.

Two weeks passed, and Farmer Smith was in town again. And again he met up with the vet. They had discussed the weather and the crops, and were preparing to say “good by”, when it occurred to the vet to ask, “Say, how did you come out with that calf?”

Farmer smith was confused. “Calf, what calf?”

“Why, the calf you asked me about a couple of weeks ago.”

“I didn’t ask about a calf,” Smith answered. “I asked about my cat!”

“Oh, no. You didn’t give your cat that whole pint of castor oil, did you?!?”

“Of course I did. That’s what you told me to do.”

Not really wanting an answer, the vet still asked, “What happened?”

“Well, I don’t rightly know for sure. The last time I saw him, he was running over the hill with five of his buddies: Two were digging, two were covering up, and one was scouting ahead for new ground!!”

A farmer, out plowing one day, unearthed a magic lamp. A genie appeared, thanked the farmer for releasing her, and told him he could have three wishes – 1 wish each year for three years.

The farmer thought for a while and finally said, “I’d like to have good weather for my crops.” The weather that year was excellent, and the farmer had the best crops ever.

The genie returned the following year and asked what his second wish was. The farmer said he’d given it a lot of thought and he’d like $10.00 corn. His wish was again granted.

And the genie returned the third and final year, reminded him that this would be his last wish, and asked what his wish would be.

The farmer replied, “I’d reckon I’d like that $10.00 corn again.”

The genie was surprised and asked, “Are you sure? That’s what you asked for last year.
And the farmer answered, “Yeah, I know. But I didn’t sell.”

Pregnant on the Bus

A lady about eight months pregnant got on to a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the man's smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He now seemed very amused.

She moved a fourth time and the man burst out laughing.

She complained of this to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man; about 20 years old, what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Double Mint Twins are coming", and I grinned.

Then she moved again and sat under a sign that said "Slogan's liniment will reduce the Swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she moved and placed herself under a sign that said, "Wrigley's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it!

TO THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 30’S, 40’S, 50’S AND 60’S

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored, lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms . . . . . WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them.

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and ate worms. And, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had try-outs and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventers ever!

KIND OF MAKES YOU WANT TO RUN THROUGH THE HOUSE WITH SCISSORS, DOESN’T IT?!

Moses and the Computer World

“Excuse me, Sir.”

“Is that you again, Moses?”

“I’m afraid it is, Sir”

“What is it this time, Moses, more computer problems?”

“How did you guess?”

“I don’t have to guess, Moses. Remember?”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

“Tell me what you want. Moses.”

“But you already know. Remember?”

“Moses!”

“Sorry, Sir.”

“Well,. go ahead, Moses. Spit it out.”

“Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ‘ten things’ you sent me?”

“You mean the Commandments, Moses?”

“That’s it. I was wondering if they were important.”

“What do you mean ’were important,’ Moses? Of course they’re important. Otherwise I wouldn’t have sent them to you.”

“Well,, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but, of course, you would see right through that.”

“What do you mean ‘you lost then’? Are you trying to tell me you didn’t save them, Moses?”

“No, Sir. I forgot.”

“You should always save, Moses.”

“Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though.”

“And did you hear back from any of them?”

“You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses ‘shalt not’? Can he change the words a little bit?”

“Yes, Moses, as long as he doesn’t change the meaning.”

“And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the ‘Ten Suggestions,’ or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?”

“Moses, I’ll act like I didn’t hear that.”

“I think that means ‘no.’ Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?”

“I think the term is spamming, Moses.”

“Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don’t even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.”

“And what did he say?”

“You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don’t think he might have sent me one of those – er – plagues, and that’s the reason I lost those the things, do you?”

“They’re called ‘viruses,’ Moses.”

“Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them.”

“We’ll do it the new way, Moses.”

“I was afraid you would say that, Sir.”

“Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?”

“You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer.”

“It’s a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?”

“No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who know more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?”

“No, Moses.”

“One other thing. Why didn’t You name them ‘frogs’ instead of ‘mice’, because didn’t you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?”

“I didn’t name then,, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to.”

“Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn’t it a woman who name one of the computers Apple?”

“Say good night, Moses.”

“Wait a minute, Sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ‘ten things’ have come back.”

“Which ones are they, Moses?”

“”Let’s see. ‘Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image’ and ‘Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor’s wife.”

“Turn the computer off, Moses. I’m sending another set of stone tablets.”

The Pastor and the Choir Director

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Baptist Church. It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on dedicating yourselves to service and the Choir Director chose to sing:

"I Shall Not Be Moved" Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him.

The next Sunday he preached on giving. Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn:

"Jesus Paid It All" By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper.

Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on the sin of gossiping. Would you believe the Choir Director selected:

"I Love To Tell The Story" There was no turning back.

The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in:

"Why Not Tonight."

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.

The Choir Director could not resist:

"What A Friend We Have In Jesus."

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